I need to be a better me...

  It's almost 1am Sunday morning.  I finished up some dishes and laundry a few minutes ago.  My train of thought wanders this time of night, and I keep coming back to Anabelle and the hard days we've had this week.  She is so strong willed, and I don't think I am raising her in the way that is best suited for her.  I feel like I try to break her spirit every day when I should be giving it wings to fly.  She is so smart.  Not just the typical, my kid is smart kind of intelligence.  She is a firecracker.  She understands things that normal three year olds do not.  She is capable of thinking along the lines of a much older child.  Her bull-headedness is, I think, a direct result of her attempt to channel some of her pent up frustration since she has no other way of letting it out.  I worry about her more than my other girls when she gets older.  She wants so badly to tear away from our parental grasp and she doesn't show any signs of stopping.  I'm not sure how best to handle this little person.  I pray over her most every night, but I think my prayers need to be more specific when I ask for her health and well being.  I need for God to raise her.  I'm not doing such a good job.
  Some days, it seems as though I stay in a constant state of anxious frustration, unable to let my guard down, unable to lower my voice, unable to break free of this Mr. Hyde persona she brings out in me.  Other days, she will sit quietly with me, being more than an angel, and I feel so at peace.  Maybe it is her age and she will mature into a less devious person (strong word, but I cannot think of anything better).  I can only hope.  I just get so tired of having to be on high alert every waking minute of every day.
  Doing dishes tonight, I thought about how I can encourage her independent spirit without encouraging her to continue with negative behaviors.  I think I might have to relax about a few things and maybe use that as a tool to help me.  Maybe then, she'll be more willing to obey- if she feels like she has had a little room to move the way she wants to.  I'm not talking about breaking the rules or letting bad behavior slide.  I just think that, if she wants to do some things for herself (and, oh does she want to do that!!) that I should be more than willing to let her.  Maybe, she can choose her own clothes and get herself dressed in the mornings.  Maybe I should give her the responsibility of making her bed.  She's three, but she can do it, I think.
  I want her to feel in control of part of her life so that maybe, even if it's not what she had in mind, she might listen to me when things are not her decision.  The old phrase, "Give them an inch and they'll take a mile" comes to mind.  I guess I'll just have to see what happens.
  Whatever the result, something's gotta give.  I know that through all of this, I will be working on myself.  I always said I wouldn't be a screamer/yeller.  It happened.  I feel ashamed of that part of my life, so hopefully God will take that from me.  Hopefully, Anabelle and the other kids will benefit from it, too.  God is good.